Sometime between February 7th and 8th

There is something comforting about being able to post my thoughts and send them out into the universe of the internet. Much more comforting than sharing them with friends who try to care or try to say the right thing. Its also better than announcing them to the AIM universe, because then people assume that you are depressed all the time. Which i very well might be. Who knows. Its easier to keep happy things to yourself, to hug them in and not need to announce them to the world. But for some reason, it is harder when the news is sad. You want to share the saddness, as if by discussing it, it will dissipate. But of course it doesn't, because you are always worrying about how people are reacting and how they are judging you. The blog is the perfect solution to the problem since no will will probably read this but me but i can be content to know that my thoughts are flying out into the cosmos and are not simply cooped up inside me, churning and festering.

I guess i will have to start telling the saga of Brian. Of what has happened to me over the past year and why my world has spun out of control. Its a long story and this past year has made me incapable of linear thought, so dear reader, I ask your patience as this story will probably take several days to tell.

I met Brian in late January of my junior year in college. 2002, to be exact. I was 20, he had recently turned 19. A baby, if you will, one who looked like the freshman he was. it was a ski trip organized by my college, and a friend had talked me into going the wednesday before the trip. $50 for lift tickets, ski rentals, meals and a place to stay. I didn't ski well, I had only been a few times previously, my childhood and adolescence was spent playing soccer and there wasn't much time for extra activities, plus my dad had a bad knee. I remember that i had just taken my second yoga class and went straight to meet the group after, i also remember idly wondering if there would be a guy for me on the trip. when i arrived in the erc rec room and scanned the assembed group, which was much smaller than i had thought, with only about 10 people, my first thought was, no, no one for me on this trip. of course, brian was in the room, but he looked so young that it never crossed my mind that he could be for me. i had to go to the atm, and so did brian, so we walked there together. i remember talking about all the activities i was involved with, magnanamously offering him any assistance if he felt inclined to get invovled. he later told me that he was moderately intimidated by the big woman on campus image. of course, he didn't know at the time that the image was deliberate on my part. not an intentional mask, but an aspect of my personality that i put to the front when i was meeting new people. we left on a friday night (i don't remember the time, but i remember that it was dark when we boarded the school van and headed toward the local mountains). at first, brian was sitting by me in the back of the van, and we were talking about random things, i was again playing the part of the cool, collected, more experienced upper classman, making statements which were designed for him to realize my superiority. what i remember sticking out was a look he gave me, a "are you for real" look. usually, people were impressed by my image and the pedigre that i could bring to bear. but brian questioned it, both in look and in statment. i remember being surprised by it, at the feeling that he was seeing through the image. i don't know if cognitive dissonance affects my memory of that moment, but i remember stumbling over what i was saying, a little self doubt added to my personna. We stopped for dinner at a wendy's or a jack in the box, i don't remember much of that. I was on the trip with a friend, and we were both friends with Darlene, my college student activities coordinator, so we felt superior to the mostly freshman that made up the trip. after stopping for dinner, armin, my friend suggested that we sit up front, so we could gossip with darlene about our friends and the drama that surrounded our lives. I would occasionally hear what was going on in the back of the van, they were playing seven degrees of kevin bacon, and other car games, brian, of course instigating them, making friends. i didn't know that this was typical of his personality yet. that he would talk to and engage anyone around him, even the nerdy female asians who i would have been nice to, but would have assumed that i had nothing in common with and therefore never fully engaged. i don't remember if i was jealous of the games that they were playing, i think i was surprised that they (meaning that freshman who i had met so briefly, because at that time, i was having trouble keeping his name straight, a problem i would have for the first two weeks i knew him, i would be pretty sure that it was brian, but then i would second guess myself, maybe it was something else that started with a b, brad, ben, something like that) would appear to be so content doing something i considered beneath myself, but they seemed to be having fun. i have aways been suprised when people find contentment doing what i would consider to be beneath them (actually i go back and forth, knowing that i sometimes fall into full geek mode and fall into geeky activities as a refuge or safe haven). When we got to the cabin it was something out of a horror novel, with one big room with several beds. i think that we were actually short of beds when we got there and had to go steal beds from other rooms. but the one big room had the scary pictures of jesus on the wall, the ones that are done in heavy oils when he is very obviously suffering. the clerk had probably previously worked at the bates motel and had an erie resemblance to the pictures of jesus on the wall. after we got all settled (i remember lots of snacks, junk food, candy, and all kinds of other things, but no alcohol, because it was a school trip after all) we got into a game of taboo. now, let me just tell you, i suck at most board games. for the most part, i lack the sufficient interest to pay sufficient attention to get all the details. brian was very good at board games. probably something to do with the fact that he is brillant in a problem solving way. he used to be able to predict the answers that professors were going to ask on tests and then study for all his tests by preparing answers for those questions and learning the answers. he was probably the most efficient studier that i knew. a good trait for him since i liked a lot of his time and he had so many other things that he liked to do. but, his intelligence was also manifested in his ability to play board games, cranium was one of his favorites, and he was always looking for an oppertunity and people who were interested in playing. when we were playing taboo that first night i met him, he managed to figure out ginko baloba from clues that included; "it grows on a tree" and maybe "it helps with memory". i didn't know what ginko baloba was at that point, so i was very impressed that he could guess the words based on the few general clues that he was given. needless to say, his team destroyed mind that night at taboo. after that, we all went to sleep, my bed was on the far wall, pushed into a corner, my head on the same wall as was jesus's.

I think i am going to pause the story for now. morning classes and all tomorrow. But that was my first memory of brian. but at that time, he was really just some freshman who i had spoken to for a few minutes on the van ride. the next morning, when i reluctantly opened my eyes when there was no way i could pretent to be asleep anymore as everyone else was out and moving around, the first thing that i saw was brian, naked but for his boxers, strolling around the room. this also did little to endear him to me, as his physique was that of a young active person who clearly wasn't a gym rat. don't get me wrong, there was no flab, but i was a snob, and he wasn't very cut. i later learned that cut is different than defined, which he was, and that he had trouble keeping weight on when he wasn't around his mother's cooking. bastard. but with his naturally skinny build and his lack of desire to work on his body (he would rather be outside, being active, which kept him in VERY good shape, but the results of which were not obvious to the superior eye, which i very clearly possessed at the time). so there was brian, strolling around in his boxers, saying that he had been up since about 6 (i think it was about 8:30 0r 9 when i finally dragged myself out of bed that morning) so excited about getting up to the slopes, and talking about a walk that he took to watch the sunrise. you know, its funny, if i wasn't there to attest to the authentic nature of his statement, i don't think i would believe that such a person existed, who did things like this spontanously and without seeming like he was putting on a persona. In fact, it was only as i was writting this that i realized how, kooky is the wrong word, but you get the idea, that some 19 year old woke up and took a walk to see the sunrise, all because he couldn't wait to get a start on the day.