Ambien haze between the 12th and 13th

So i've just taken the second half of my ambien, the first second half that i have ever taken. apparently i am well on my way to drug addiction. actually, i did, for the first time ever, understand the desire to take a lot of pills. not because i wanted to commit suicide, but to see what would happen, to be taken to the hospital where maybe someone could figure out what is wrong with me. I know that there are chemical changes going on inside me -- the erratic weight gain and loss, the pimples that i missed in high school have re-asserted themselves with a vengence, the strange sleeping habits. I want someone to tell me what is wrong with me and what i have to do to fix it. i don't think its that easy, though. I know what's wrong with me, kinda. i mean, my whole world has been turned inside out. my mental world, that is. the way i believed that the world was structured has been changed. irrevocably. unless you have personal experience, you don't know what its like to be going on, as you had been every day before, and then get a call, that causes your world to tilt on its axix. and the funny thing, at least for me, is that the impact is delayed. i knew my world was going to change, but right after susan called, i think i went into instant shock and stayed there for months. in fact, i think i am still coming out of that shock, and its like alice, coming out of the rabbit hole and seeing this new world. only its not the nice 'shroom filed haze where the flowers talk and the evil queen is the worst you have to deal with. my sense of self is completly changed, my perception of my world, from the smallest things like the mountains that were always to the north of my parents house to the biggest where i am wondering if i am loveable or if i will ever be loved in a meanful way ever again, or if i ever was.
Knowing that there are no answers, knowing that the intellect which got me through life until feb. 2, 2005, wouldn't work anymore. i just read this quote: "the grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." and well, i just about strike out. i don't really have something to do, well not something that inspires me or provides meaning such that i can say, i do something. law school. going to new york. i want to be excited, i want that to inspire me and fill me with hope of the oppertunities and possibilities. but all i can think of is what am i doing. i can't find a home in a city that rents 400sq. ft. apts for $2000. all i think i want is to move back to california, and what? what would i do? the idea always stops there, maybe because i was to go back to the california and the sarah who used to live in california. where it was the place that represented infinite possibilities and i was the person who could do anything, who was happy and secure where she was, so happy and secure that she was willing to leave the security to strike out and try something new. well that was a shit idea. i wonder if i hadn't left california, would brian have? and if he hadn't left california.... well, who knows.
wow, 20 minutes after taking a whole ambien, and nothing. maybe i just don't want to go to bed. i don't want to sleep, i don't know why not. brian something comes to my dreams. although my dream two nights ago totally sucked. i had been worrying about rebecca and brain. something i thought i had layed to rest. i thought i was finally at the who cares what it was stage and able to focus on who he was to me. but i was thinking about her and him on my run, and wondering if he did really love me. or if, it was her, and i was just a part of his past, like suzanna. Had he already put me in a box and moved on. if he had been hurt, would he have asked to see me. would he have wanted me there if i had come? so anyway, i had this dream, probably a reflection of all of that, two nights ago. We were hanging out with Caroline, and brian and i were talking about getting back together, but there were other things going on, like he wanted to be doing different things or didn't want to spend time with me. So i actually got up the courrage to ask if he wanted to be in this relationship, to ask him if he liked me. He responded by asking me why i was confusing the two things -- what was going on between the two of us, and the other external things. he asked why i assumed they were connected. so i guess i never got an answer to my question. if, as some do, beleive that this was a message, then i guess brian was telling me that i let other stuff get in the way of what we had when i was insecure. that what i took as problems were always my need to unify every emotion and apply it to our relationship. which i probably did. but, the irony, is that he never answered my question. so i still don't know what he really thougth of me. or maybe, the failure to asnwer implies that he is not really there, and the only help my unconscious can give is to point my search inward, to force me to ask if the insecurity comes from me. I still don't have an answer to the question of what brian felt about me. the last time i told him i loved him was in a phone conversation about three weeks before. and i had this huge ephinay around new years. brian had really pissed me off, and then refused to apoligize for being a jerk, so i decided to cut it off, i mean, i didn't need to continue to talking to him, right. so i didn't talk to him for about two weeks, the longest we had gone at that point. so he called me at midnight. and i didn't hear the call, which i think is good, because i would have wanted to talk to him. so his message was, "Hey. Its Brian. Im in San Fransicso." And that was all, but it was his tone, holding the "e" in hey, and the slight uncomfortable, i really didn't think what i wanted to say before called tone. and all the love i had for him just came pouring back. i loved this guy. and i didn't know what i wanted to do with it. i didn't think i wanted to get back gother, all the problems that existed before hadn't changed, but i loved him. what was i supposed to do with that. so we conneced by phone a few day later, i was in san luis obispo visiting emily and he was in carmel, getting ready to go back to virginia. I was with Emily in Solvang, feeling guilty, because i should be focused on my friend, but i just wanted to talk to brian on the phone. he finally suggested i come up and see him. I countered by inviting him down to see us. his response was classic, "well, i've got, ah, stuff to do." jerk. actually, he did, he was leaving in a few days and had to pack, but really, could the guy have ever stuck his neck out for me? Ever done something that would have made his life harder to make mine better? Okay, totally a gross overgeneralization, but its what i felt at the time. if he wasn't willing to come down and see me, i couldn't see why i should spend an additional 4 hours in the car to spend maybe a half hour with him. but i really wanted to. i was so tempted to, especially after meeting some guys and seeing how scuzzy they could really be. I wonder what would have happened if i had made the trip up. probably nothing, we would have had coffee, talked, he would have given me a hug and i would have gone my separate way. but part of me wonders if we might have given it another chance. I think i was sufficiently aware of how much i loved him and also sufficiently aware of how GREAT he looked in comparison to the other guys i had been meeting lately, that i might have been sufficienlty vulnerable to allow myself to fall back into a something with him. But i didn't so i will never know what would have happened. instead, about a week later, i was back in nashville, and he was back in charlottesville, i was having a great phone conversation with him. he was telling me that he was scared because his life was just about how he wanted it right now, and he was afraid that when he graduated, everything was going to change. I laughted at him, knowing that the reason life was as he liked it was because he had surrounded himself with like-minded people who saw the world the same as he did. Who would always be ready for a new expereince, a new outlook on life, those type of people would follow him as he traveled to new zeland or the phillipeanes, and would staff the labs when he went to grad school. I told him that he would make choices that would allow him to be surrounded by the same type of people he had found in Virginia. Also in the conversation, i told him that i still loved him. it was the first time that i told him since we broke up, and i premised it by saying that it was just something that i wanted to say, and something i wanted him to know, but that there were no strings attached and it didn't requrie him to do anything. i will always wish i had listened to his response better. i was so concerned about what i was saying that i didn't pay enough attention to his response. i think it was something like, of course we still love each other, six months isn't that long of a time. if that was indeed what he said, was he implying that i there would be a period in time where i wouldn't love him, and that he still loved me, but didn't plan to maintain those feelings. did he think that love was temporary, that when feelings exist despite the destruction of the relationship, that those feelings go eventaully to the wind. Of course, he could have said something completly different, but i am pretty sure that he somehow said he still loved me. Which i guess, in the great scheme of things only matters when i am feeling insecure. i guess the most important thing is that he knew i loved him, despite not telling him for six months, in the end, he knew.