Snow Covered Trees

Sent to Mom:

1. The official return of my knee to pre-2009 surgery shape.
2. Having horrible cramps wake me up at 6:30 so I had time to shower,blow dry my hair, put on a cute outfit, make myself a healthybreakfast and head to the doctor wide-awake (as opposed to my usualstate, which is bleary-eyed, greasy-haired, caffeine- andbreakfast-less in whatever clothes I pulled out of the closet first).
3. Walking to work in the bright sunshine from the Upper East Side,which took me down 5th Ave next to Central Park (which was beautifulwith its snow-covered trees).
4. Being very productive at work so far today.

Later gratefulness:

4.5. Figuring out the answer to the S.G. research assignment.
5. Leaving work feeling like it was a good day at work.
6. Stew and Wine for dinner.
7. Talking to mom
8. Talking travel w/Daniella
9. James McAvoy on Band of Brothers (what a nice surprise!)

Three days of being grateful

As sent to M&D on Sunday:

1. My new bangles and getting a pedicure tomorrow with my new chanel nail polish.
2. Getting the contents of my closet off my bedroom floor and back into my closet.
3. Making pasta sauce from scratch and having leftovers for tomorrow.
4. 37 degree weather today - no gloves necessary!
5. Not having to get up for work tomorrow.
6. Talking to Lizzie on her birthday and having her sound happy.
7. Getting into my new book - "The Elegance and the Hedgehog"
8. Emailing a list of EIGHT things that make me happy to my parents.

For Monday:

1. Seeing Micah and Nicole et al. Such great people!
2. Going to Whole Foods and buying mostly non-processed foods.
3. Getting my new spice tins up on the fridge.
4. Making beef stew and having it turn out pretty well.
5. Discovering Band of Brothers and having the whole mini-series to look forward to on demand (and hopefully having the willpower to space it out so I have something to look forward to throughout the week).
6. Feeling at rest in the apt.
7. Being able to get internet in my apt again

Today:

1. Dreaming about Brian.
2. Calm tea at the lunch meeting.
3. Ordering Band of Brothers and Blackhawk Down from amazon so I can look forward to reading them when I finish my current book.
(And because I'm trying to be positive, I won't make any comments about how depressing it is that I can only think of three things to be gratful for today because its antithetical to the exercise).
4. I guess I'm grateful that this experience has cemented for me how to spell grateful (not greatful).

Several hours later...

5. Ebene Quartet + two glasses of wine on a nearly empty stomach = relaxation and the perfect buzz.
6. Another episode of Band of Brothers.
7. Talking to Shirley for the perfect amount of time.
8. Seeing 127 on the scale at the end of the day (which means I have hope for a 125 tomorrow morning).

I think my counter is broken. It says that 11900 people have viewed my blog. Unlikely given the total lack of comments. But just in case. Knock, knock. Anyone out there?

So my mom says that I should write the things that I am grateful for so that I can better appreciate what I have. I know she is right. After the success of 2008 as the year of not being a bitch to people I didn't know, I feel I have backslid back to a more negative place. She has decided to focus on the positive this year, so I will give it a try as well. So today, February 12, 2010, I am grateful for the following things:



1. Freshdirect delivering more diet coke and Amy's burritos.

2. Being able to cross Lizzie's presents off my list.

3. The sun shining through my window making it feel warmer than it probably is outside.



Not a super splashy start, but a start none the less.

PS

I'm super not excited to go home to my not so clean apartment. I hope I have good things DVR-ed so I can continue the healthy cycle of going to bed late and not being able to get up for work in the morning.

Welcome to the Realization that You are Everyone Else

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the unhappiest of them all? Why is it that work is making me so unhappy? Is it because I have found other things that do make me happy that I want to spent time doing, that in some ways I feel that I have returned to myself and now work Sarah doesn't fit in any more? The job clearly provides no internal satisfaction and it is sappy any energy that I had to do other things with my time. Its 10:03 and I'm still at the office, too mentally exhausted to talk about why today was so shitty (basically, stupid pro bono case, feeling like I gave bad advice, feeling like people think I'm too insecure about my job, being here at 10:03, not quite knowing what tomorrow is going to bring but knowing that it is going to be another week and a half of 11 pm nights in the office). And I can't turn it off. There are so many responsibilities (as opposed to assignments, now they are my responsibilities, not just things that I have to do for other people) that I can't turn it off at night or I work until I need to sleep, and I fall asleep thinking about what I have to still do and what I will spend the whole next day doing. I have been having this sensation when I fall asleep that I have lost the day - that I don't remember what happened during the day, but that I know that I missed it. Its new and different from the sensation that is just normal "wow, I'm half asleep" and I really do feel like I am losing time. It like that poem that Brian wrote about the phone ringing and waking you up and you are 30. I know that isn't going to happen to me (well, it almost has - I turn 29 this year and feel like I have regressed emotionally and I am no closer to being the adult self that I want to be), because I think and worry about not being that person every minute of every day, which just makes it worse since I worry about being that person and about my job, so I don't have a break. I can't just dissolve into the work, because then, at least I would wake up at 30 or 35 and not have spend that last three to seven years worrying about waking up. Maybe I should write a romance novel. I've got to be a better writer than half the people out there who are publishing and then I would be able to make my own schedule and it would be like pretend working. Probably not, real life doesn't allow you to pretend work, but that's what I really want to do. Have a job that lets me relax and take lots of vacations and read and cook. But its a fantasy that every working person probably entertains and no one really actually gets to live out. So clearly I'm not special at all - I'm not unique in my escape fantasies. Okay, back to reading all these cases so I can go home and maybe go for a run so I stop the mad rush of fat to my stomach, thighs and hips. Jeez, you might as well call me any middle aged woman living in America. Message to Sarah: you are not special, nothing you are experiencing makes you unique. Welcome to normal. Le sigh.