very emotional

The weather in nashville is just about perfect right now. yesterday, i went to my morning class and then my afternoon class, then came home perfectly relaxed. well, for the most part. satisfied with my life is probably a better way to put it. the weather is certainly part of that, so is the fact the the apt is clean and has to stay that way. so, i guess, is the fact that there are not any immediate deadlines (although there is a paper due next friday and my last law school final the wednesday after that). but there was a definite feeling of satisfaction. one that i haven't felt since leaving san diego, or maybe since i left ucsd. thinking of brian, i wonder if this is a goodbye. a it brought up feelings of nostalgia, the remembrance of how happy we were together. i was also reading some emails that his dad forwarded to me. emails brian had sent to his dad. i guess i know he loved me, but he didn't always show it in a way that i understood, so reading what he wrote to his dad, even though i have read it numerous times before, or reading the last email he sent to me, about hiking and outdoors, maybe i felt like the self that i was when those emails were sent for the first time since he died. and clearly that will make me sad, makes me cry, because i can go back to being the person he loved, the person who was happy and secure and confident and hopeful. a person who could be loved by someone like brian, the person who is going to lead a happy and satisfied life. thats all i want really. in the deepest place that i never talk about, the one that brian recognized and that scared him, i really have very little personal ambition apart from my desire to be satisfied. i want things because of what i think they will bring me -- money will let me create the home that i want in a location that i want and will let me provide for the family i want to create. brian knew that i would chuck everything i am working for if we could find the right situation, and i think it scared him. because his happiness was tied to what he did and he loved what he did, he didn't really understand that my happiness could be tied to us and building a life for us. he didn't like the pressure, he didn't want the responsibility for my happiness.

since yesterday the picture of him has been fuzzy in my head. the emotional aftermath of his death is still with me, but he isn't clear. sometimes that is okay, because in some way to me he was feelings. he was the person who made me feel comfortable and at peace. his presence, as much as the facial expressions and the activities we did together.

i have such a hard time believing that death is forever, that this will never end, that he will never be back. i keep expecting it to be over at some point. everything has a natural ending, so when will he be done being dead and come back in some way. you know when you have your favorite book and the characters become your friends, and you can pick it up and read it whenever you want to live in the world of the characters with the characters? i want to have something like that with brian, i want there to be something i can pick up and read or watch, some way to relive my experience and re-experience those feelings, to live in the world where we were young and in love and know i can escape to that world whenever i want. i guess its my fault. i kept all the 'meaningful' emails where we were discussing our 'feelings' and all our love letters, but not the normal ones. i guess we didn't email all that much, i wish i had the phone messages we left for each other, because they would have defined our relationship, the normal every day 'what-are-you-doing-i'm-thinking-of-you-i-want-to-be-with-you' stuff. when each of us were the true essence of ourselves.

this is the last email he sent me. very normal, so maybe that's why i like it:

Yes, don't take a trip with outward bound, do one with NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School). Outward bound has a reputation of being more for personal growth and less focused on the outdoor technical experience. So lots of kids that need "help" are forced to go on the outward bound trips. Sarah tyler said she had some suicidal girls on hers! I have heard nothing but great things about NOLS however. Check into that. I'm jealous, I want to go.-Beej

and here are the things he said about me to his dad:


Well, I'm engaged. That's probably the biggest bit of news worth sharing. Okay, that's a lie, but I thought I would get your attention first. Did I get you?

So I'm not engaged, but I did visit Sarah this weekend in Nashville. Lots of driving, but well worth it. Within moments of seeing her again, our relationship just slipped back into the comfort that it has always been. Those moments make it feel like the relationship isn't long-distance, simply "relationship on temporary hold until we are together." So needless, it was great to spend time with her this weekend.

Anyway. I guess this is a departure from my usual post. i am sick of being cynical and jaded. i just want to exist and experience things. i am tired of living in the intellectual realm where you have to be aware that you are being judged on what you say and do. i just want to act and react without an analytical buffer. maybe i am just sick of feeling like i am being judged and sick of myself for caring. its like that stupid savage garden song "the animal song" -- "When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head A television freak show cops and robbers everywhere Subway makes me nervous, people pushing me too far I've got to break away So take my hand now 'Cause I want to live like animals Careless and free like animals I want to live I want to run through the jungle The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet".

i guess i remember back to san diego and that is what i remember, i didn't need anyone else, i didn't care what they said, i had brian and he made me feel free. now i feel like i am dependent on other people which makes me vulnerable to what they think of me.